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    Another day


    Posts : 3014
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 65
    Location : Home

    Another day

    Post  sinister_midget on Tue Jan 03, 2017 8:51 pm

    Took my missus to the doctor today. He examined her and said, "I'll be perfectly honest. I don't like the look of her."

    "Yeah, I know what you mean," I said, "but she's a great cook and the kids think the world of her!"


    I went to see my doctor about having a vasectomy

    He said, "That's a pretty big decision, have you talked it over with your family?"

    "Yes" I replied, "They're in favor of it, 14 to 3."


    At the beginning of this new week in our great country, let us all take another moment to give thanks we will not have to someday say that Hillary Clinton was the worst President in American history.


    Rosie O'Donnell says, "I will not perform anymore"

    She performed?


    Ah, nostalgia....


    Eating two strips of bacon for breakfast reduces your chances of being a suicide bomber by 100%.


    My resolution for 2017 is to accomplish the goals of 2016, which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 that I originally planned in 2013.


    It's really a shame. Hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school every year, never to be heard from again.


    This just in. After a lot of rumors and speculation that Bill Clinton may not be Chelsea's real father, proof has finally come to light. The most common speculation has been that Webb Hubbell was the donor that sired Chelsea.

    But now due to DNA analysis, the truth has been discovered that Janet Reno is Chelsea's actual blood father.


    A semi-crippled Libertarian came into a bar and with difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up and asked for a sip of whiskey. He looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?"

    The bartender nodded and the Libertarian told him to give Jesus a whiskey also.

    The next patron was an ailing Republican with a hunched back who moved slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus.

    The bartender nodded and the Republican said to give Him a glass of wine also.

    The third patron, a Democrat, swaggered in and said "Barkeep, give me a cold beer. Hey, is that Jesus down there?"

    The bartender nodded, and the Democrat told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

    As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over and touched the Libertarian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

    The Libertarian felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig all the way to the door.

    Jesus touched the Republican and said, "For your kindness you are healed!"

    The Republican felt his back straighten. He danced with joy and did a flip.

    As Jesus walked toward the Democrat, the Democrat jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"


    I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.
    A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.
    I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life.
    It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
    It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
    "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
    It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
    And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
    It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
    It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
    It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear.
    And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
    I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device.
    For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
    It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.
    So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
    Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.
    It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
    Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
    I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off


    How to placate liberals:



    It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.


    President Bill Clinton and Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will attend the inauguration of President Trump. Secret Service plans to pat them down for suicide vests and biological weapons.


    Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your spouse's job.


    My Doctor said to me " What do you want first, the good news or the bad?"

    I said " Can I have the good news please?"

    "Ok," he said. "Congratulations, you're going to have a disease named after you!"

    Posts : 669
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 71
    Location : Texas

    Re: Another day

    Post  JJRobinson on Wed Jan 04, 2017 7:36 am

    Very Happy

    Posts : 539
    Join date : 2016-08-27
    Location : Suwannee Springs, Florida

    Re: Another day

    Post  Ladyelaine on Wed Jan 04, 2017 7:44 am

    Thanks, sent the photo to my son who drives a log truck.

    Posts : 774
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 78

    Re: Another day

    Post  Psycho144 on Wed Jan 04, 2017 4:21 pm

    Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy


    Re: Another day

    Post  Guest on Wed Jan 04, 2017 8:06 pm

    Very Happy Very Happy

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    Re: Another day

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