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    Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Wish it would quit already!

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    sinister_midget
    Admin

    Posts : 1656
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 64
    Location : Home

    Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Wish it would quit already!

    Post  sinister_midget on Fri Dec 16, 2016 4:40 pm

    After the honeymoon a wife says to her husband, "I think it's time you stop playing golf. In fact, you should sell all of your clubs right now."

    The man responds, "Now you're starting to sound like my ex-wife!"

    The woman looks puzzled. "I thought you said you weren't married before!"

    He replies, "I wasn't."

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    I thought I might take up writing. Specifically writing books aimed at college kids.

    Here are some of the titles I thought of:

    ~Everyone Who Disagees with You is Hitler
    ~The Russians Stole My Participation Trophy
    ~Feminism Vs Razor: How I Grow Glorious Locks From the Neck Down
    ~A Beginner's Guide to Gender Based on Your Starbucks Preference

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    A guy was sitting at home watching TV when he decided he was hungry. He went outside, had his wife stop mowing the lawn so she could hear him and asked when dinner was going to be.

    She freaked. "I can't believe you're asking me about dinner right now! You've been sitting on your backside all day inside the air conditioning while I've done all the work. Imagine I'm out of town and you're hungry. What would you do, wait for me to come back? You'd go fix your own damned dinner, wouldn't you?"

    He got the message. He went inside and fixed himself a steak, potatoes, garlic bread and a big iced tea. He was just finishing up when his wife walked in and asked him if he'd thought of fixing something for her, too, instead of worrying only about himself.

    "What? I thought you were out of town," he said.

    Funeral services will be held at 10AM Tuesday.

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    An 80-year-old Texas farmer went to the clinic in Dallas for a check-up.

    The doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in and asked, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”

    “I’m from Texas, and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish”, said the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.”

    “Well”, said the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?”

    “Who said my father’s dead?”

    The doctor was amazed, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?”

    “He’s 100 years old”, says the old Texas boy. “In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning. Then we went to the bar for a while and had some beers. That’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Texas farmer. And he’s a hunter and fisherman, too.”

    “Well”, the doctor said, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?”

    “Who said my grandpa’s dead?”

    Stunned, the doctor asked, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?”

    “He’s 118 years old”, said the man.

    The doctor was getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?”

    “No, Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”

    At this point the doctor gets close to losing it, “Getting married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?”

    “Who said he wanted to?”

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    I met this girl at a bar the other night. She was absolutely gorgeous! She was blond, fair-skinned and smelled absolutely heavenly! I just knew she was the girl for me. We hit it off right from the start, and it was like we were made for each other!

    Then I went to pee. She came in after, stood at the urinal beside me, started peeing and asked where we were going next.

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    I was offered sex by a 21-year-old girl today. In exchange all I had to do was  advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on Reddit.

    Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner that works on multiple surfaces. Which is also now available in lemon and vanilla scents.

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    In light of the need to get accustomed to the various sexual identities people have discovered about themselves, the following chart has been designed by the Health and Human Services Department. Please become familiar with the various symbols to assist you in understanding how not to offend someone who has come to learn they don't fit what once were seen as biological norms, but now are understood to be artificial boundaries:



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    I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit. But I can't get this damned cork out of the bottle!

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    ENGLISH TEACHER: Which tense is this sentence. "I am beautiful."

    BUFORD: Past tense.

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    FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man"

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    If I die mysteriously and there's bacon or ice cream in my fridge, I did NOT commit suicide!

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    The downside to being a bomb disposal technician is it takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

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    I was recently diagnosed a Polaroid Schizophrenic. It developed quickly.

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    Ladyelaine

    Posts : 316
    Join date : 2016-08-27
    Location : Suwannee Springs, Florida

    Re: Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Wish it would quit already!

    Post  Ladyelaine on Fri Dec 16, 2016 6:02 pm

    Save the snowflakes? ... probably on an endangered list put out by some global warming group. Laughing
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    Psycho144

    Posts : 536
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 77

    Re: Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Wish it would quit already!

    Post  Psycho144 on Fri Dec 16, 2016 6:16 pm

    Very Happy   Very Happy   Very Happy
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    sinister_midget
    Admin

    Posts : 1656
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 64
    Location : Home

    Re: Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Wish it would quit already!

    Post  sinister_midget on Fri Dec 16, 2016 6:48 pm

    This sort of snowflake:



    So named because they melt over everything they don't like.

      Current date/time is Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:38 pm