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    Happy Monday! Unless you have to work.....

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    sinister_midget
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    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 65
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    Happy Monday! Unless you have to work.....

    Post  sinister_midget on Mon Mar 05, 2018 12:22 am

    A homeless guy asked me this morning if I had 50 cents for a sandwich.

    I was like, "Dude, show me the sandwich first and then we'll talk price!"

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    The original ending.



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    I met a girl in the bar last night. After a few drinks she asked if I would like to go back to her place.

    I didn't want to disappoint her. So I said, "No."

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    Just to spice things up a little, I told the wife we should do some role-playing last night. She loved the idea.

    I said, "OK, you play Whitney Houston and I'll run a bath."

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    As good a reason as any.



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    Today I broke my personal best for most consecutive days lived!

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    Happened to me twice.



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    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

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    Probably would work best if it had a lift to get people up where they could use it. But I'm sure there are plenty of people with humongous arms.



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    I was in Walgreens this morning and I couldn't find what I needed. So I asked the pharmacist, "Excuse me. Can you recommend anything for a really bad upset stomach?"

    "Sure," he said. "Try eating some out of date seafood."

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    Now that my son is 14 my wife suggested it was time that I sat down with him and talk about having sex. I was reluctant, but I said I'd try.

    Turned out it was a complete waste of time. He prefers girls.

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    Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves.

    Here's Tom with the weather.

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    I'd imagine she just left something out by mistake the other time.



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    I used to enjoy toying around with time machines when I was older.

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    Why you gonna keep messin' with me?



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    I wonder if Michael Jackson looks like he did in Thriller yet.

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    I was playing chess with a friend. He said, "Let's make this interesting."

    So we stopped playing chess.

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    Well don't let it out!



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    I read that the guy that shot himself outside the White House had just finished a course about gun safety.

    Apparently it went in one ear and out the other.

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    Uh oh! Mueller's gonna be all over this one!



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    Aw, that's so sweet!



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    My blind date asked me, "What's your most recent regret?"

    "Booking this restaurant," I replied.

    "Really? Why's that?" she asked, smiling.

    I said, "Because you nothing like your profile picture."

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    I went horseback riding this morning.

    Once it started, the horse wouldn't stop, just kept going out of control for what felt like 10 minutes! 10 minutes of pure hell! But I hung in there, both hands tugging on the reins!

    Luckily, seeing my distress, the store clerk ran outside and unplugged it,

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    We all have our dreams.



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    The hardest part of a long distance relationship is convincing the wife to move away.

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    Kids, always ready to be helpful!



    _________________
    The American Dream is to be Donald Trump.
    -- Barack Hussein Obama
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    Psycho144

    Posts : 760
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 78

    Re: Happy Monday! Unless you have to work.....

    Post  Psycho144 on Mon Mar 05, 2018 9:32 am

    Laughing Laughing Laughing

      Current date/time is Tue Jun 19, 2018 1:31 am