New Board

For refugees from MyWay and Tek Board II, and for anyone else wishing to participate.


    Don't miss the Super Blue Red Moon event on Wednesday - but this has nothing to do with that

    Share
    avatar
    sinister_midget
    Admin

    Posts : 2788
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 65
    Location : Home

    Don't miss the Super Blue Red Moon event on Wednesday - but this has nothing to do with that

    Post  sinister_midget on Sat Jan 27, 2018 11:55 pm

    She made the best ones, too!



    ----------

    The wife came home last night saying she needed to eat certain foods to maintain her figure.

    I bought her several cakes and pies to do my part.

    ----------

    I'm sick of the bombardment!

    Every time I get to work and turn on my PC I'm inundated with penis enlargement ads, ads for viagra, and all sorts of things like that!

    Makes me wish I had never given my email address to my wife!

    ----------

    I mean, if you can't trust a violent Mexican druglord, who can you trust?



    ----------

    I'm having a difficult time finding Left Guard for my other armpit.

    ----------

    One of the biggest problems with porn is that it gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

    ----------

    A little privacy, please! Can't you see I'm casting a spell??



    ----------

    Kids these days!

    You hear about the game a lot of them are playing by eating Tide washer pods? Tide pods! Why, when I was their age we had to eat Tide dry out of the box!

    ----------

    I won the lottery today!

    Still trying to decide what to do with my good fortune.



    ----------

    What do generals do when they're bored?

    Play Tetris, of course!



    ----------

    My wife said she's leaving me next weekend.

    I begged and pleaded, but she says there's no way she'll do it sooner.

    ----------

    And now, the answer to the pressing song question of who let the dogs out.



    ----------

    A study just released by the American Academy of Sciences proves that bald people have no hair.

    ----------

    It turns out that night wasn't a single point of failure.



    ----------

    How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome?

    Pull down their genes.

    ----------

    That's a good question!



    Ladies, get out your vagina suits, we're gonna have a march!

    ----------

    Meanwhile at Walmart.....



    ----------

    My wife told me she doesn't need a man for anything.

    So when she went to bed, I sneaked into the kitchen and tightened every jar and bottle I could find.

    ----------



    The guitar solo goes here.

    ----------

    Sometimes I meet people and in just a few short minutes I feel like doing something really nice for them. Like buying them a toaster for their bathtub.

    ----------

    Does anybody else name their cellphones? I always have.

    The first one I called "Diana" because it always went dead in tunnels.

    The second one I called "Rosie" because it tended to get this loud, obnoxious screech whenever I tried talking.

    The one I have now I call "Hillary" because it often forgets what it was doing in the middle of calls, inadvertently loses important texts, shreds emails.

    ----------

    I've been sober 37 days now. Not in a row. I started in 1987.

    ----------

    Confucius say.....



    ----------

    I only have one word for women who look at me like I'm some kind of sex object.

    Hi!

    ----------

    Imagine that, advertising in the open like this!



    ----------

    Ladies....

    Your perfect man may cook all the meals, clean the house and wash and fold your laundry....

    He may be willing to help you pick your new outfits and listen with rapt attention to you and your friends discuss "The Bachelor" or your favorite soaps ,but.....

    He will come out of the closet eventually!

    ----------

    Guys, I need your help. I just got into an argument with my wife. She said I'm right.

    Now what do I do?

    Don't tell me that's an impossibility. There's evidence that this isn't the first time, though it might be rare.



    ----------

    Alcoholics don't run in my family.

    They stumble around and break stuff.

    ----------

    My wife just came in and said, "I have something to tell you. You'd better sit down."

    I felt a tinge of panic, but asked her, "What's wrong?"

    She said, "I met someone else. I'm leaving you."

    Relieved, I told her, "Thank God! I thought you were going to say the TV's broke!"

    ----------

    OK. So maybe it's 3 genders.



    ----------

    How do you milk sheep?

    Release another iPhone.

    ----------

    Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front of the vehicles so when you look in your rear-view mirror you don't confuse it with the other giant, screaming, siren cubes.

    ----------

    To kill the notion that women in the middle east have it worse than the feminists in the US, I provide proof that women in the Arab world hold some very important jobs.

    Here's one that works as a door knocker.



    ----------

    I met a homeless guy downtown who told me he lost everything just last week. He had a roof over his head, an HD TV, internet, healthcare, 3 squares a day, was studying to get his degree and had no bills or debt.

    Then he was released on parole.

    ----------

    I called my mother-in-law and told her, "Your daughter hasn't been home in days."

    "I know," she replied. "She's here with me. And she's not coming back!"

    I said, "I know. I was just going through my address book and telling everybody the good news."

    ----------

    My neighbor's a real jerk. So yesterday I put a bag of dog poo on his front porch and set it on fire.

    It was awesome to see him slip as he ran out of his burning house!

    ----------

    Beats paying to see a movie you'll hate.



    ----------

    "Man Cleared of Raping Woman in Hotel Room"

    Odd place to hold a trial!

    ----------

    I hate going to strange cities!



      Current date/time is Tue May 22, 2018 6:11 pm