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    As we careen toward the second day of a horrific government shutdown (also known as Sunday)

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    sinister_midget
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    Posts : 2553
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 65
    Location : Home

    As we careen toward the second day of a horrific government shutdown (also known as Sunday)

    Post  sinister_midget on Sat 20 Jan 2018 - 23:12

    My wife is so fat that even her opinions are starting to carry weight.

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    When we finally travel millions of light years and get to alien civilizations, we should make patterns in their crops and leave.

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    I'm writing a comic about religious superheroes. I'm calling them A-Men.

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    Meanwhile at the women's march.....



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    Key benefits of joining ISIS:

    1. A new identity
    2. Intense religious indoctrination
    3. A virgin bride to marry

    Oops. That third one isn't ISIS, it's Scientology. I get those two mixed up.

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    It used to be people wrote diaries and went ballistic if anybody read them.

    Now people put everything on Facebook and get ticked off if nobody reads it.

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    If aliens ever attack us that will prove there are mosques on other planets.

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    Perhaps this is German engineering.



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    An article I saw this morning says Mattel is upping the ante once again with the new Divorced Barbie.

    It's going to be a bit pricey at the estimated $269.99 sales price. But it comes with plenty of extras, including Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's car, Ken's furniture, half of Ken's salary and one of Ken's friends.

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    Last night I was expecting a phone call and didn't want to miss it. So I slept with my phone under my pillow.

    When I woke up the phone was gone, and in its place was a shiny new quarter.

    Damned bluetooth fairy!

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    My wife complained I never take her out to eat. And she was right.

    So I set up a table on the back porch.

    I haven't seen her in about a week. But the swelling has gone down in my right eye.

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    I was out driving in the country with my wife when she spotted an oddly-colored cow in the field.

    She said, "Look at that cow! It's pretty ugly."

    I told her, "That's an oxymoron."

    She said, "You're the moron! It's a cow!"

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    A woman standing on the street with a clipboard stopped me. "Have you had any accidents in the last 5 years that weren't your fault?" she asked.

    "Yeah," I replied. "She's almost 3 now."

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    My wife thought we should work on our marriage. It's not hopeless, mind you. But it has been better.

    Alright. So I got this book on marriage and started reading it. One place in there it was pretty in-depth about trying to rekindle things. One part in particular said you should treat your wife like you treated her on your first date.

    I think that's going to help a lot! To get started, tonight after dinner I plan on dropping her off at her parents' house.

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    We've learned a lot about saving the environment using scientific pest control methods.



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    If aliens ever invade us, I hope they do it in rows of 8 going left and right directly above me.

    I'm very skilled at shooting aliens this way.

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    A quiet man is usually a thinking man.

    A quiet woman is usually mad.

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    Momma always said alcohol is your enemy.

    Jesus said love your enemy.

    Case closed.

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    It's not even February yet and kids are already gearing up for Halloween!



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    Call me old fashioned. But I think leaving a 3 minute drunk voicemail at 3AM is romantic!

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    My wife said I can do whatever I want on my birthday.

    So I'm going to Argentina to start a new life.

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    COP: You were swerving a lot so I have to conduct a sobriety test.
    ME:   OK.
    COP: Let's get Taco Bell.
    ME:   No!
    COP: Text your ex.
    ME:   No way!
    COP: OK, you're good.

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    A messy room?



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    I sat in the reading room nervously waiting for psychic. All of a sudden he burst in.

    "You hate your life, every day is a drag and you can't wait for death," he told me.

    "That's exactly right!" I exclaimed. "That's amazing! You only just came in the room and you already know me! How do you know all that?"

    "Easy," he replied. "I just saw your wife in the waiting room."

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    It's funny that my wife will sit up all night waiting for me to come home from the bar just to ask me what time it is.

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    How it really happened.....



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    I used to be in adult films.

    But the police finally caught my uncle about the time I turned 9.

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    It was my 65th birthday today. I decided to wash my hair.

    I'll make a note to wash the other one next year.

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    If I ever saw an alien walking around I'd throw rocks at it until it died.

    Which is the same way Muslims react when they believe a woman is thinking.

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    Bet you never saw that comin'!



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    A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he'd just won $1000 in a safety competition.

    "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the cop asked.

    The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

    At that point the man's wife, seated next to him in the passenger seat, told the officer, "Don't listen to him, officer. He's smart-mouthed when he's drunk."

    All of the commotion woke a guy up in the back seat. When he saw the cop, he blurted out, "I told you we wouldn't get far in this stolen car!"

    Suddenly there was a knock coming from the trunk, and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"


    _________________
    One of the most important reasons for studying history is that
    virtually every stupid idea that is in vogue today has been tried
    before and proved disastrous before, time and again.
    --  Thomas Sowell
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    Sunshine16

    Posts : 208
    Join date : 2016-08-28
    Location : Virginia

    Re: As we careen toward the second day of a horrific government shutdown (also known as Sunday)

    Post  Sunshine16 on Sun 21 Jan 2018 - 3:50

    That cat video was cute.
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    JJRobinson

    Posts : 616
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 70
    Location : Texas

    Re: As we careen toward the second day of a horrific government shutdown (also known as Sunday)

    Post  JJRobinson on Sun 21 Jan 2018 - 7:21

    Very Happy
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    Psycho144

    Posts : 706
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 77

    Re: As we careen toward the second day of a horrific government shutdown (also known as Sunday)

    Post  Psycho144 on Sun 21 Jan 2018 - 10:52

    Laughing Laughing

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    Re: As we careen toward the second day of a horrific government shutdown (also known as Sunday)

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