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    Special unabridged edition

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    sinister_midget
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    Join date : 2016-08-26
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    Special unabridged edition

    Post  sinister_midget on Sun 14 Jan 2018 - 23:44

    I used to have multiple personality disorder.

    Fortunately two of them were doctors and one was a psychiatrist. Now I'm fine.

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    Always try to please the little woman!



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    I have a friend who's always being taunted for being fat.

    I asked him how he keeps getting upset by all the nasty remarks. He told me he just takes it on the chin.

    Now I wonder which chin he takes it on.

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    That nuclear alert in Hawaii? All a big mistake.

    What they claim happened was misreported. What actually happened was a falling chunk of blue ice fell from a leaking toilet of an in-flight airliner. A person watching ground radar reported an "incoming icy BM."

    The rest, as they say, is history.

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    I was in McDonald's this morning. I was behind a woman wearing those jeans. You know the ones, they have a patch on the pocket that says "Guess."

    I tapped her on the shoulder and when she turned around I said, "At least 450."

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    What do you call a Muslim husband?

    Abusif.

    (Bet you thought I was gonna say "daddy.")

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    I saw this morning that the American flags planted on the moon have turned white due to the sun's radiation.

    In other news, France is now claiming to be the first nation to travel to the moon.

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    Accordion to scientific studies, 90% of people do not realize I replaced the beginning of the sentence with an instrument.

    They have my symphony.

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    My sister asked my friend if he was gay.

    He couldn't give her a straight answer.

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    Found the cannibals.



    I'm guessing you wouldn't like what happens to you if the kids become inedible because they step in dog poo!

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    I don't have Tourette's. But I know all the words.

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    After a mugging attempt a few years ago I started carrying a knife.

    My muggings are much more successful these days.

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    TV in Iran

    MONDAY
    7:00 - Husseinfeld
    7:30 - Mad About Everything
    8:00 - Monday Night Stoning
    8:30 - Win Bin Laden's Money
    9:00 - Allah McBeal

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    An author friend of mine committed suicide.

    I suspect he was suffering from writer's block. But it's hard to tell since he didn't leave a note.

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    With my runny nose and high temperature, I made sure to shake everyone's hands at the doctors'.

    I like to make friends and influenza people.

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    Finally! Now the left can blame her!



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    A Muslim was feeling poorly, so he goes to a doctor.

    The doctor examined him and said, "You need to pee and poop in a bucket for a week. Throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head and breathe the vapors for three days."

    The Muslim did as the doctor ordered and went back to the doctor after 10 days. "I feel great!" he said. "What was wrong with me?"

    The doctor replied, "You were just homesick."

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    I was an an ATM when this elderly lady came up and asked me to help her check her balance.

    I pushed her, she fell over.

    Ingrate didn't even thank me!

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    Why is easy listening music so hard to listen to?

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    I got a call from a distorted voice. "Five hundred grand or we shoot your wife," it said.

    I said I'd take the cash even though both are tempting.

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    I saw today that the planned first annual ceasefire for tomorrow in Chicago honoring Dr Martin Luther King has been scrapped in order to protest Trump as president.

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    I recently won a large amount of cash and wanted to keep it hidden in a place my wife would never go.

    So I stuck it down my underpants.

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    Jenny sure gets around!



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    I went to my first meeting of Hypochondriacs Anonymous last night and came home with more diseases than I left with.

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    I went to an indian reservation to look at a rental.

    "I like it," I said. "Does it come with running water?"

    He replied, "Of course not. You'll have to get your own wife."

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    Piracy is killing the music industry.

    Not sure why those people think they could play a guitar with a hook anyway.

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    More TV in Iran

    WEDNESDAY
    7:00 - Beat the Press
    8:00 - When Kurds Attack
    8:30 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
    9:00 - Just Shoot Everyone
    9:30 - Veilwatch

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    People should stop picking on rednecks for their mullet hairstyles and banjo music. They're just carrying out the traditions of their incestors.

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    What do sweets and music have in common?

    They're both better without the rapper.

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    My Muslim neighbor confided in me that his wife was raped when she was 10. Then just yesterday she was raped again at a bus stop!

    Poor girl's had a rough couple of years!

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    This girl I met last night texted me: "Your adorable."

    I sent back: "No, YOU'RE adorable."

    Now she likes me. All I did was point out her typo.

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    Mattel ups the reality level for kids once again.



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    Things men do that upset women:

    1. Lie
    2. Be honest
    3. Not talk
    4. Talk too much
    5. Not show emotions
    6. Be too emotional
    7. Breathe

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    February 22, 2022 falls on a Tuesday.

    So that Tuesday will be 2-22-22 and we'll be able to call it "2s day."

    That sort of thing is pretty much all that keeps me going any more.


    _________________
    One of the most important reasons for studying history is that
    virtually every stupid idea that is in vogue today has been tried
    before and proved disastrous before, time and again.
    --  Thomas Sowell

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    Re: Special unabridged edition

    Post  Guest on Mon 15 Jan 2018 - 14:11

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    Psycho144

    Posts : 706
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 77

    Re: Special unabridged edition

    Post  Psycho144 on Tue 16 Jan 2018 - 15:22

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