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    Guess what day it is! It's Tuesday, of course!

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    sinister_midget
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    Guess what day it is! It's Tuesday, of course!

    Post  sinister_midget on Tue Jan 09, 2018 1:34 pm

    I took Elvis' advice and went to a party in the county jail.

    Crummy party and now my bottom hurts.

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    Good point!



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    The Rolling Stones made me fail my chemistry exam.

    Jumpin' Jack Flash is not a gas!

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    "Those who can, do...Those who can't, teach."

    Poor sex education teachers!

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    I'm pretty sure this was a 2014 study. The level is probably much higher now.



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    Stephen Hawking went on his first date the other day. He went back home with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip.

    She stood him up.

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    My son came out as gay today. I looked at him stone cold and said, "Same rules as your sisters. No boys in your room."

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    Solved!



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    What was Elvis' last hit?

    The bathroom floor.

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    I got home from work early yesterday and saw the plumber's van parked outside. I feared the worst.

    When I got inside I was relieved. He was in bed with my wife, and there wasn't any expensive leak to worry about.

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    Feminist logic: Wearing a revealing black dress to protest Hollywood sexual abuse.

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    I found out today I'm quadgender.

    Quarter male, quarter female, quarter third gender and quarter pounder. With cheese.

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    So we know it's female because it's got a skirt. But if I say skirts are for women on Twitter then 10000 members of the intergalactic gender police camp in my mentions.

    Hmmm.....

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    He who laughs last took too long to get the joke.

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    My wife gave me an ultimatum. She said I had to choose between her and my obsession with Elvis Presley.

    She's going to be lonesome tonight.

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    I spent almost the whole day trying to fix a leaky faucet in my kitchen.

    Now my neighbors think I have Tourette's Syndrome.

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    My wife's sister taught her to drive.



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    I heard of the game Candy Crush, but I'd never played it. Turns out to be a lot of fun!

    Just toss a Mars bar into a Weight Watchers class and enjoy!

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    In all of the years we've been married my wife has eaten whatever she wants and never put a pound on.

    She's still 275, just like the day we met.

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    Beer is like the sun: It rises in the yeast and settles in the waist.

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    What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

    One says "Hey, you, get offa my cloud." The other says, "Hey, McCloud, get outta my ewe."

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    Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed and clean the whole house while she sleeps.

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    I have bad news for all of you people who think Elvis is still alive.

    It's been 40 years. If he was still alive he'd probably be dead by now.

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    It's nice that somebody is standing up for them!



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    As speculation mounts about Oprah running for president, a new opposition group has sprung up: No Oprah.

    Asked how they plan to defeat her, a spokesman said, "Easy. No Oprah backwards."

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    A cop stopped me last night.

    "Sir," he said, "are you drinking and driving?"

    "No, officer, I am not," I replied. "I only take a swig when stopped at lights."

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    Apparently my sneaky boss sent a memo around saying I couldn't be trusted and need to be watched!

    Can you believe that?

    He tried to keep it a secret, but I found it in his desk drawer where he hid it.

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    I went to see an Elvis impersonator last night, but I got there too late.

    Apparently he had left the building.


    _________________
    One of the most important reasons for studying history is that
    virtually every stupid idea that is in vogue today has been tried
    before and proved disastrous before, time and again.
    --  Thomas Sowell

      Current date/time is Fri Jan 19, 2018 9:12 pm