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I took Elvis' advice and went to a party in the county jail.
Crummy party and now my bottom hurts.
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Good point!
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The Rolling Stones made me fail my chemistry exam.
Jumpin' Jack Flash is not a gas!
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"Those who can, do...Those who can't, teach."
Poor sex education teachers!
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I'm pretty sure this was a 2014 study. The level is probably much higher now.
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Stephen Hawking went on his first date the other day. He went back home with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip.
She stood him up.
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My son came out as gay today. I looked at him stone cold and said, "Same rules as your sisters. No boys in your room."
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Solved!
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What was Elvis' last hit?
The bathroom floor.
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I got home from work early yesterday and saw the plumber's van parked outside. I feared the worst.
When I got inside I was relieved. He was in bed with my wife, and there wasn't any expensive leak to worry about.
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Feminist logic: Wearing a revealing black dress to protest Hollywood sexual abuse.
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I found out today I'm quadgender.
Quarter male, quarter female, quarter third gender and quarter pounder. With cheese.
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So we know it's female because it's got a skirt. But if I say skirts are for women on Twitter then 10000 members of the intergalactic gender police camp in my mentions.
Hmmm.....
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He who laughs last took too long to get the joke.
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My wife gave me an ultimatum. She said I had to choose between her and my obsession with Elvis Presley.
She's going to be lonesome tonight.
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I spent almost the whole day trying to fix a leaky faucet in my kitchen.
Now my neighbors think I have Tourette's Syndrome.
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My wife's sister taught her to drive.
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I heard of the game Candy Crush, but I'd never played it. Turns out to be a lot of fun!
Just toss a Mars bar into a Weight Watchers class and enjoy!
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In all of the years we've been married my wife has eaten whatever she wants and never put a pound on.
She's still 275, just like the day we met.
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Beer is like the sun: It rises in the yeast and settles in the waist.
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What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
One says "Hey, you, get offa my cloud." The other says, "Hey, McCloud, get outta my ewe."
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Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed and clean the whole house while she sleeps.
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I have bad news for all of you people who think Elvis is still alive.
It's been 40 years. If he was still alive he'd probably be dead by now.
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It's nice that somebody is standing up for them!
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As speculation mounts about Oprah running for president, a new opposition group has sprung up: No Oprah.
Asked how they plan to defeat her, a spokesman said, "Easy. No Oprah backwards."
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A cop stopped me last night.
"Sir," he said, "are you drinking and driving?"
"No, officer, I am not," I replied. "I only take a swig when stopped at lights."
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Apparently my sneaky boss sent a memo around saying I couldn't be trusted and need to be watched!
Can you believe that?
He tried to keep it a secret, but I found it in his desk drawer where he hid it.
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I went to see an Elvis impersonator last night, but I got there too late.
Apparently he had left the building.
Crummy party and now my bottom hurts.
----------
Good point!
----------
The Rolling Stones made me fail my chemistry exam.
Jumpin' Jack Flash is not a gas!
----------
"Those who can, do...Those who can't, teach."
Poor sex education teachers!
----------
I'm pretty sure this was a 2014 study. The level is probably much higher now.
----------
Stephen Hawking went on his first date the other day. He went back home with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip.
She stood him up.
----------
My son came out as gay today. I looked at him stone cold and said, "Same rules as your sisters. No boys in your room."
----------
Solved!
----------
What was Elvis' last hit?
The bathroom floor.
----------
I got home from work early yesterday and saw the plumber's van parked outside. I feared the worst.
When I got inside I was relieved. He was in bed with my wife, and there wasn't any expensive leak to worry about.
----------
Feminist logic: Wearing a revealing black dress to protest Hollywood sexual abuse.
----------
I found out today I'm quadgender.
Quarter male, quarter female, quarter third gender and quarter pounder. With cheese.
----------
So we know it's female because it's got a skirt. But if I say skirts are for women on Twitter then 10000 members of the intergalactic gender police camp in my mentions.
Hmmm.....
----------
He who laughs last took too long to get the joke.
----------
My wife gave me an ultimatum. She said I had to choose between her and my obsession with Elvis Presley.
She's going to be lonesome tonight.
----------
I spent almost the whole day trying to fix a leaky faucet in my kitchen.
Now my neighbors think I have Tourette's Syndrome.
----------
My wife's sister taught her to drive.
----------
I heard of the game Candy Crush, but I'd never played it. Turns out to be a lot of fun!
Just toss a Mars bar into a Weight Watchers class and enjoy!
----------
In all of the years we've been married my wife has eaten whatever she wants and never put a pound on.
She's still 275, just like the day we met.
----------
Beer is like the sun: It rises in the yeast and settles in the waist.
----------
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
One says "Hey, you, get offa my cloud." The other says, "Hey, McCloud, get outta my ewe."
----------
Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed and clean the whole house while she sleeps.
----------
I have bad news for all of you people who think Elvis is still alive.
It's been 40 years. If he was still alive he'd probably be dead by now.
----------
It's nice that somebody is standing up for them!
----------
As speculation mounts about Oprah running for president, a new opposition group has sprung up: No Oprah.
Asked how they plan to defeat her, a spokesman said, "Easy. No Oprah backwards."
----------
A cop stopped me last night.
"Sir," he said, "are you drinking and driving?"
"No, officer, I am not," I replied. "I only take a swig when stopped at lights."
----------
Apparently my sneaky boss sent a memo around saying I couldn't be trusted and need to be watched!
Can you believe that?
He tried to keep it a secret, but I found it in his desk drawer where he hid it.
----------
I went to see an Elvis impersonator last night, but I got there too late.
Apparently he had left the building.
