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    Guess what day it is! It's Tuesday, of course!

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    sinister_midget
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    Guess what day it is! It's Tuesday, of course!

    Post  sinister_midget on Tue Jan 09, 2018 1:34 pm

    I took Elvis' advice and went to a party in the county jail.

    Crummy party and now my bottom hurts.

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    Good point!



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    The Rolling Stones made me fail my chemistry exam.

    Jumpin' Jack Flash is not a gas!

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    "Those who can, do...Those who can't, teach."

    Poor sex education teachers!

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    I'm pretty sure this was a 2014 study. The level is probably much higher now.



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    Stephen Hawking went on his first date the other day. He went back home with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip.

    She stood him up.

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    My son came out as gay today. I looked at him stone cold and said, "Same rules as your sisters. No boys in your room."

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    Solved!



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    What was Elvis' last hit?

    The bathroom floor.

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    I got home from work early yesterday and saw the plumber's van parked outside. I feared the worst.

    When I got inside I was relieved. He was in bed with my wife, and there wasn't any expensive leak to worry about.

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    Feminist logic: Wearing a revealing black dress to protest Hollywood sexual abuse.

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    I found out today I'm quadgender.

    Quarter male, quarter female, quarter third gender and quarter pounder. With cheese.

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    So we know it's female because it's got a skirt. But if I say skirts are for women on Twitter then 10000 members of the intergalactic gender police camp in my mentions.

    Hmmm.....

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    He who laughs last took too long to get the joke.

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    My wife gave me an ultimatum. She said I had to choose between her and my obsession with Elvis Presley.

    She's going to be lonesome tonight.

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    I spent almost the whole day trying to fix a leaky faucet in my kitchen.

    Now my neighbors think I have Tourette's Syndrome.

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    My wife's sister taught her to drive.



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    I heard of the game Candy Crush, but I'd never played it. Turns out to be a lot of fun!

    Just toss a Mars bar into a Weight Watchers class and enjoy!

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    In all of the years we've been married my wife has eaten whatever she wants and never put a pound on.

    She's still 275, just like the day we met.

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    Beer is like the sun: It rises in the yeast and settles in the waist.

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    What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

    One says "Hey, you, get offa my cloud." The other says, "Hey, McCloud, get outta my ewe."

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    Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed and clean the whole house while she sleeps.

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    I have bad news for all of you people who think Elvis is still alive.

    It's been 40 years. If he was still alive he'd probably be dead by now.

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    It's nice that somebody is standing up for them!



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    As speculation mounts about Oprah running for president, a new opposition group has sprung up: No Oprah.

    Asked how they plan to defeat her, a spokesman said, "Easy. No Oprah backwards."

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    A cop stopped me last night.

    "Sir," he said, "are you drinking and driving?"

    "No, officer, I am not," I replied. "I only take a swig when stopped at lights."

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    Apparently my sneaky boss sent a memo around saying I couldn't be trusted and need to be watched!

    Can you believe that?

    He tried to keep it a secret, but I found it in his desk drawer where he hid it.

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    I went to see an Elvis impersonator last night, but I got there too late.

    Apparently he had left the building.


    _________________
    The American Dream is to be Donald Trump.
    -- Barack Hussein Obama

      Current date/time is Wed Jul 18, 2018 11:40 am