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    Told you the weekend was too short!

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    sinister_midget
    Admin

    Posts : 2460
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 64
    Location : Home

    Told you the weekend was too short!

    Post  sinister_midget on Sun Jan 07, 2018 10:36 pm

    How do you know when you're staying in a hotel room in Arkansas?

    You call the front desk, tell them "I gotta leak in my sink" and they say "Go ahead."

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    Why did the cow cross the road?

    Because I was walking up the street and I apparently forgot our wedding anniversary.

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    #MeToo revisited.




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    "I've got blisters on my hands from the broom," complained my wife.

    I said, "Well, next time take the car, silly."

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    Two women meet in heaven.

    Hi, Wanda," said Sylvia.

    Sylvia said, "Hi, Wanda! How'd you die?"

    Wanda responded, "Oh, I froze to death."

    "That's horrible!" exclaimed Sylvia"

    Wanda said, "Not really. It wasn't that bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to feel warmer and became sleepy. I finally died a peaceful death. How about you?"

    "Well," said Sylvia, "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating on me. So I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him in the den watching TV."

    "So what Happened?" asked Wanda.

    "I was so sure there was another woman there," said Sylvia, "that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up to the attic and searched, then down to the basement. I went through every closet and checked under all of the beds. I kept it up until there was nowhere else to look. But I finally became so exhausted I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

    "That's too bad," said Wanda. "If you'd looked in the freezer early enough we might both be alive."

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    Do tell!



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    One of the leading pharmaceutical companies has announced they will no longer use rabbits for experiments with new drugs. Rabbits will be replaced with Muslims.

    A spokesman explained that Muslims breed faster. Plus nobody has any objection to using non-intelligent beings for experimentation.

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    Got your nose!



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    My daughter called me from the university. She was crying . She said people are calling her fat and ugly.

    I was furious! I could have told her that and it wouldn't have cost me $30,000 a year to do it!

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    What is the best way to have a Muslim bachelor party?

    Turn it into a stag party!



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    Laughter is the best medicine.

    Unless you have diarrhea.

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    Harder than it is for alcohol and drug addicts.



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    The Red Cross just called up and asked if we'd like to contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I'd love to but our hose only reaches then end of the driveway.

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    During an argument, my girlfriend said my jokes are inappropriately timed and that I have absolutely no respect for the dead!

    I told her that I do have respect for the dead, which is why I always put their clothes back on afterwards.

    I thought that joke was beautifully timed!

    Women!

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    You knew it was coming, don't deny it!



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    Ever wondered why the Mississippi river runs through St Louis?

    Because if it walked it'd get mugged.

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    I decided to give an honest try to follow my New Years resolution to work out and get in shape. So I got a gym membership.

    Yesterday my bank called to see if my credit card was stolen.

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    I have to say my greatest strength is my attentionto detail.

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    Not driving, that's for sure.



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    My neighbor clearly doesn't watch porn.

    She called me over to fix her sink. I've been here an hour and I'm still fixing her sink!

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    And she's there for all of ya!



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    Went into the kitchen this morning and found the wife face down and not breathing.

    I panicked, not knowing what to do.

    I reached for the phone to call for help. Then I remembered there's a McDonald's down the street and they serve breakfast until 1030.

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    Wonder which gender this one is.



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    In the near future.



    _________________
    One of the most important reasons for studying history is that
    virtually every stupid idea that is in vogue today has been tried
    before and proved disastrous before, time and again.
    --  Thomas Sowell
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    Joencalif2

    Posts : 550
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 67
    Location : Riverside Ca

    Re: Told you the weekend was too short!

    Post  Joencalif2 on Mon Jan 08, 2018 3:24 pm

    What a FaceWhat a FaceWhat a FaceWhat a Face
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    Psycho144

    Posts : 680
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 77

    Re: Told you the weekend was too short!

    Post  Psycho144 on Tue Jan 09, 2018 5:03 pm

    Laughing Laughing Laughing

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    Re: Told you the weekend was too short!

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