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    Start every day off with a smile and get it over with

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    sinister_midget
    Admin

    Posts : 2344
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 64
    Location : Home

    Start every day off with a smile and get it over with

    Post  sinister_midget on Wed Nov 15, 2017 11:04 am

    I finally figured out how to tell the difference between a crocodile an an alligator. It's so simple, yet it escaped me all of these years!

    You can tell by observing if the animal sees you later or after while.


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    Noplace is safe!




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    My wife turned to me in bed last night and said, "Y'know, baby, it's been months since we made love."

    "I know," I replied. "Let's not spoil it."


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    A friend called me up.

    "I don't want to be the one to tell you this, man, but I saw some guy putting his arms around your wife twice."

    I said, "Don't try lying to me, bud! Nobody has arms that long!"


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    I was in a bar for awhile earlier and this guy came up to me mad and asked if I gave his girlfriend dirty looks.

    "Don't blame me, sir," I said. "Her parents did that to her."


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    True love.




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    I was going through some stuff I had stored and I think I finally found the autograph I got from Michael J. Fox!

    It's either that or a picture of the New York skyline.


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    My Thai girlfriend said, "These are Haribo sweets."

    Don't eat them then," I said.


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    In my area there are lots of "strong independent women" who "don't need no man" because they rely on the state for food, shelter and medicine.


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    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the book tour's a wrap!




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    I went to the top of the Empire State building with my wife. Suddenly she died of a natural cause!

    Gravity.


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    Does anybody know what an electric eel was called before electricity?


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    I really lit up when I saw this book titled "Living on $4 a Day" in the bookstore.

    But they wanted $12.95.


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    My wife got "Property of Al" tattooed on her back.

    Which makes me the 2nd largest property owner in the state.


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    Not everybody felt appalled about their experiences with Kevin Spacey.




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    The last autograph by John Lennon before he was shot outside his New York home is expected to fetch $30,000.

    It reads, "All the best, John Le"


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    I went to a bar and found the hottest girl in there to try my new pickup line.

    It didn't work. Not sure why because it seems so flattering.

    "Are your parents retarded because you seem soooooo special.?


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    When that didn't work, I found another girl to hit on.

    "Hey," I said. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

    She groaned, "Let me guess. Because my parents must've been angels."

    "No," I told her. "Because it looks like you landed on your face."

    Two strikes. Back to chloroform it is.


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    I think you're right.




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    I was in a bar with a Muslim friend last week. He started getting grief for naming his son "Jihad."

    I stood up for him. I told his antagonists that the name wasn't just a call to war. I told them it also symbolized the Islamic struggle against sin.

    Today he named his newborn daughter "Death to America."


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    I visited New York. They have a very dense population.


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    A cop came to my door this morning.

    "Where were you between 5 and 6?"

    I said, "In kindergarten. Like most people."


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    The RINOs have made no secret about not wanting to build a border wall.

    But in their defense, it's not like they don't understand there's a need to do something. So they've come up with an alternate plan they believe will be just as effective.

    Here is a concept model of the idea they're working on legislation to pass right now.




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    New York city is gross! I went to use a payphone. When I picked it up it had, like, jelly or something on it.

    Well, that's what it tasted like, anyway.


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    WIFE: He made two fat jokes yesterday!

    ME: I did not! You know that isn't true!

    THERAPIST: Then why would she remember you making them?

    ME: Because elephants never forget?


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    "Happy birthday....to....day....wait!"



    _________________
    One of the most important reasons for studying history is that
    virtually every stupid idea that is in vogue today has been tried
    before and proved disastrous before, time and again.
    --  Thomas Sowell
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    Psycho144

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 77

    Re: Start every day off with a smile and get it over with

    Post  Psycho144 on Wed Nov 15, 2017 8:27 pm

    Laughing Laughing
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    Joencalif2

    Posts : 522
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 67
    Location : Riverside Ca

    Re: Start every day off with a smile and get it over with

    Post  Joencalif2 on Thu Nov 16, 2017 8:20 am

    What a FaceWhat a FaceWhat a FaceWhat a Face
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    Sunshine16

    Posts : 173
    Join date : 2016-08-28
    Location : Virginia

    Re: Start every day off with a smile and get it over with

    Post  Sunshine16 on Fri Nov 17, 2017 9:53 am

    LOL!

    Sponsored content

    Re: Start every day off with a smile and get it over with

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