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    Got dem ol' Monday blues

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    sinister_midget
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    Posts : 1883
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 64
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    Got dem ol' Monday blues

    Post  sinister_midget on Mon May 15, 2017 6:19 pm

    I'm giving up alcohol for a month.

    Wait, that came out wrong.

    I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

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    I decided to perform an experiment to see how long I could go without sex.

    So I got married.

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    Now Canada is being invaded!



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    On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I'll see you in Heaven."

    Since then I've kicked a puppy, set fire to an orphanage, slapped around on a few women and children.

    I'm contemplating a couple of murders just to be safe.

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    "Are these pants too tight?" asked my wife.

    "Are you asking me, or the camel that is trying to kick it's way out of them?" I said.

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    I was afraid of dying alone for so long.

    But that problem's solved now. I became a bus driver.

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    Give a migrant a fish and he'll eat for a day.

    Deport a migrant and the local girls won't get raped.

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    Good news for homeless people! Most accidents happen in the home.

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    In all seriousness, people should not make rape jokes. It's Islamophobic.

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    I got my mom a scratch-off for Mother's Day.

    I couldn't believe it! It was a $10,000 winner!

    She loved the flowers.

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    I went to the doctor's last Friday for a prostate exam.

    "Don't be embarrassed," He said. "Taking trousers off is normal for this type of procedure."

    "Erm...Ok", I replied, "Should I take mine off as well?"

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    On my recent visit to Australia I got a full strip and body cavity search at customs.

    I suppose it's my own fault. When they asked if I had a criminal record I replied, "I didn't know you still needed one."

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    How's this for multiculturalism?



    Arabic-language packaging of Confederate Flag jewelry, made in China and offered for sale in Canada in a cheap shop run by immigrant Hindus.

    Also, Spongebob for some reason.

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    What's a perfect breakfast for a woman?

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

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    I saw my new neighbor taking up his for sale sign out in front. I went over to say hello.

    "Nice to meet you," he said. "I'm Mohammed."

    I told him, "I'll take that sign if you don't need it."

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    I called work this morning.

    "My wife died," I said, "and I'm going to need some time off."

    "That's awful news!" replied the secretary. "Take as much time as you need!"

    "Thank you. I was told it could only be eighteen years if I can behave myself."

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    Poor things!



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    I walked past a homeless guy this afternoon. He said, "Got any loose change, mister?"

    I tapped my pocket and said, "Nope. All secure."

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    I was awakened by a huge scream this morning. While I was still bleary I thought at first it was part of a dream.

    Turns out I'd just crashed the bus.

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    I learned today if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off work.


    _________________
    One of the most important reasons for studying history is that
    virtually every stupid idea that is in vogue today has been tried
    before and proved disastrous before, time and again.
    --  Thomas Sowell
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    Joencalif2

    Posts : 470
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 67
    Location : Riverside Ca

    Re: Got dem ol' Monday blues

    Post  Joencalif2 on Mon May 15, 2017 7:27 pm

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    JJRobinson

    Posts : 521
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 70
    Location : Texas

    Re: Got dem ol' Monday blues

    Post  JJRobinson on Tue May 16, 2017 6:43 am

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    Psycho144

    Posts : 578
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 77

    Re: Got dem ol' Monday blues

    Post  Psycho144 on Tue May 16, 2017 2:14 pm

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