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    Figures

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    sinister_midget
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    Posts : 1627
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 64
    Location : Home

    Figures

    Post  sinister_midget on Thu May 04, 2017 9:35 am

    My wife said we should try role reversal in bed last night.

    So I said I had a headache.

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    Music is all around.



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    A friend of mine used to be a heroin addict. But he found God.

    Well, he overdosed. I hope he found God.

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    ME: "I know we've been married 40 years now, but tonight I'd like you to pretend to be a 13 year old schoolgirl."

    WIFE: "Ewww you're disgusting, get away from me you filthy pervert!"

    ME: "That's the spirit."

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    I think my family is racist.

    When I brought my black girlfriend home, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her.

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    "I caught my 12-year-old son looking up women's skirts for the second time today," I told the bartender.

    "I wouldn't worry. That's pretty normal for a young boy, don't you think?"

    "Not on Amazon it's not."

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    No joke.



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    Just to spice things up I said to my wife, "Let's do a little bit of role-playing tonight."

    She seemed up for it.

    So I said, "You dress up like Whitney Houston and I'll run the bath."

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    Have you ever been so desperate for political fame that you chose to lie down on a dirty public floor next to a hairy leg that happens to have your ugly mother's face tattooed on it?



    Yeah, me neither.

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    I think I've been hacked by Russia.

    Edit: I not hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

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    The most common blood type found in the US is O-Positive.

    The most common blood type found in Africa is HIV-Positive.

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    How do one-handed people put on gloves?

    They don't. They put on glove.

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    Beat it? You ATE it!



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    Socialism is like a vending machine.

    It doesn't work, but it takes your money.

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    Mario Bros don't stand a chance!



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    How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Well, obviously not eight because my basement is still dark.

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    I'm a dog in human clothing. Which one do I press?



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    You can't run through a campground.

    You can only ran through on. Because it's past tents.

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    I got a step ladder today.

    I never knew my real ladder.

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    It keeps me awake at night!



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    That helped me understand congressional legislation, too:

    HR-1311 The Fiscal Sanity Act
    Wr'ee gnona sepnd eevry pneny of tpxaaeyr meony we cnofasctie nad noobdy acn sotp us.


    _________________
    Malo periculosam, libertatem quam quietam servitutem.
    (I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery.)
    -- Thomas Jefferson
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    Joencalif2

    Posts : 429
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 67
    Location : Riverside Ca

    Re: Figures

    Post  Joencalif2 on Thu May 04, 2017 11:28 am

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    Psycho144

    Posts : 526
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 77

    Re: Figures

    Post  Psycho144 on Thu May 04, 2017 3:22 pm

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    JJRobinson

    Posts : 480
    Join date : 2016-08-26
    Age : 70
    Location : Texas

    Re: Figures

    Post  JJRobinson on Fri May 05, 2017 6:41 am

    Very Happy

      Current date/time is Wed Aug 16, 2017 4:45 pm