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    It's National Humor Month - Anybody have any?

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    sinister_midget
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    It's National Humor Month - Anybody have any?

    Post  sinister_midget on Wed Apr 12, 2017 10:10 am

    This just in from United Airlines:



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    My wife accused me of treating her like one of the pets, then left me.

    She'll be back when she gets hungry.

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    Southwest Airlines, taking a cue from United, has started using a new slogan:

    "We beat our competitors, not you."

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    I was watching a documentary on Chinese history and saw a clip of the military marching.

    "reft, light, reft, light..."

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    Sometimes it gets lost in the conversation.



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    Math problems - The only place someone can buy 60 watermelons and nobody wonders why.

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    I had new skylights put in my place.

    The woman upstairs isn't pleased in the slightest.

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    A new psychological test is in the design stage and is almost ready for release.



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    There's no place like home.

    Unless you're an immigrant.

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    I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothes.

    If I had any I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.

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    Bet you never knew it took a mastermind to work at the DEA!



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    My son said he wasn't sure about his gender identity.

    So I took him to a place where he'd have plenty of time to mull it over: the orphanage.

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    "Our Chinese neighbor has gone back to Peking," my wife said yesterday.

    "I think you'll find they now call it Beijing," I corrected.

    "Okay, fine. Our Chinese neighbor has gone back to BEIJING through the window while I dress."

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    Ever wonder why Europeans act the way they do?



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    Hospitals are such depressing places. The one near where I live in particular. They just called up and said my mother-in-law is expected to make a full recovery.

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    I could exist in a parallel space," my wife said. "The universe is so vast!"

    "It would need to be," I told her.

    ----------

    Judaism, Christianity and Islam are all equally valid. But one thing breaks the tie in favor of Christianity.

    Grilled cheese with bacon!

    ----------

    I saw 2 lesbians making out on a park bench. "There's a time and place for that," I told them.
    "Is there?" one asked bemused.
    "Yes. 7pm at my house."

    ----------

    Who you gonna call?
    ROTO-ROOTER!




    _________________
    The American Dream is to be Donald Trump.
    -- Barack Hussein Obama
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    Psycho144

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    Re: It's National Humor Month - Anybody have any?

    Post  Psycho144 on Wed Apr 12, 2017 2:40 pm

    Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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    Re: It's National Humor Month - Anybody have any?

    Post  Guest on Wed Apr 12, 2017 3:48 pm

    Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

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    Re: It's National Humor Month - Anybody have any?

    Post  Guest on Wed Apr 12, 2017 3:53 pm

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    sinister_midget
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    Re: It's National Humor Month - Anybody have any?

    Post  sinister_midget on Wed Apr 12, 2017 7:54 pm



    _________________
    The American Dream is to be Donald Trump.
    -- Barack Hussein Obama

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    Re: It's National Humor Month - Anybody have any?

    Post  Guest on Thu Apr 13, 2017 11:02 am

    Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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    Psycho144

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    Re: It's National Humor Month - Anybody have any?

    Post  Psycho144 on Thu Apr 13, 2017 4:47 pm

    Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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